The New Adventures of Old Amberella

I finally made it to New Jersey. Five days + a minivan + my sister + an ice chest + my dog = a super fly adventure + 7 mosquito bites + 2 years off my life. Here is a summary of my travels.

Day 1: Drove through California and Arizona to New Mexico. Desert, high gas prices, 100-degree temperatures. Nothing new or exciting, except some rain and a kick ass thunderstorm in Gallup, NM where we spent the night. Day 2: Drove through Texas. Huge bugs, more desert, cows everywhere. Here I had my first, last, and only peeing outdoors moment after driving miles upon miles before finding a roadside gas station only to be told that they had no plumbing. So I peed outside next to a dead cat and ironically staring over a field filled with tires and old commodes. Enough squat-copping experience for me. We went on to Oklahoma to spend the evening with my nephew’s family. Day 3: We drove through the rest of Oklahoma amid lots of dead armadillos to Fayetteville, Arkansas to stay with friends for the night. What a charming place! Loved the quaint charm and crunchiness of the downtown community garden and library. It made me want to stop shaving my armpits and do some Yoga. Day 4: Nashville, Tennessee. We stopped in Memphis to scale Graceland’s walls with our eyes and to get some Memphis BBQ, turnip greens, fried okra, and homemade sweet potato pie. We also stopped at a Waffle House in Nashville for breakfast, where I ate grits and at least seven sticks of butter. Day 5: This is where we mark the end of the peaceful journey. Day 5 was a bit ambitious and therefore exhausting. The GPS told us it would be 12 hours to New Jersey. Having driven two 12-hour days already, we were in. The problem was that the GPS was full of shit, and we ended up driving for about 16 hours, arriving at 3 am in New Jersey with a pretty penny paid to Maryland tolls and a serious case of sleep deprivation-induced delirium.

How did New Jersey greet us? With an earthquake and a hurricane. I spent the first week here fretting about flooded basements, power outages, tornadoes, and falling trees. We fared pretty well through the storm, so I spent the second week here fretting about West Nile virus, Lyme disease, and hitting deer. Deer. As in massive furry beasts that commit suicide with your car. Driving has just gotten increasingly frightening. Learning to drive here is quite an experience. I’m not just talking about the jug handles or traffic circles or deer. I’m mostly referring to other drivers.

I think because this state is a tiny wee-bitty shrinky dink of a thing, its residents have a sort of Napoleon complex. They always want to be the first, the best, the most, the fastest fill-in-the-blank. Because of this innate arrogance and impatience, east coast drivers honk for EVERYTHING. In California, we honk for danger or as a courtesy to alert someone that the light has turned green. Out here people honk as an extension of emotion. “My wife burned the meatloaf. HONK!” “I got my period! HONK HONK!!” “Look, a bird! HONK HONK HOOOOOONK!!!” Highly unnerving and annoying. Plus, since I don’t know where I’m going EVER, I have to drive with the GPS lady screaming, “RECALCULATING RECALCULATING,” in my ear every five seconds. Heaven help me.

When I called to obtain NJ car insurance, the agent asked me if I had taken a course called Defensive Driving. No, I said. She replied, “Well you’re gonna need it. Welcome to New Jersey.” My internal monologue was all like “Hey. Oh. Don’t worry bout what I’m doin, worry bout what yous are doin. Keep ya eyes awn ya own papa. Eh? I’m walkin ova hea! When the entire state takes a course on manners, I’ll take Defensive Driving. Bada bing!” My external voice just said OK.

The good news about my arrival is that I have unpacked 2 out of 3 floors. High five! My basement currently looks like a scene out of The Poseidon Adventure after the ship tips over and all the contents of the room are toppled into a corner. I haven’t gotten to it yet, because I’ve been too busy eating corn and tomatoes and hanging out at the DMV for days trying to get a license and NJ registration. Now I have to go back AGAIN for an inspection. Sweet Lawd, make it stop.

Also good, it was 65 degrees and raining for a while. Labor Day came and the very next day the summertime shop was shut the f down. Bananas. Speaking of bananas, Rachel Zoe has started again. This should also subtract from my time spent unpacking the basement, because I am addicted. She is a top contender for the most batshit crazy points of anyone on TV right now, since Kate Plus Eight and LA Ink are getting cancelled (Amen!). I think the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are going to give Ms. Zoe a run for her money this season though. Poor basement. It may never get done.

More later…