Optional Modesty Piece

Toro!

I have several complaints about the wedding industry, but today's post is about the despair of the torture du jour known as bridal dress shopping. It allows for no modesty whatsoever. Let me start by complaining about the strapless revolution that has taken the last decade by storm. It's no one's friend, least of all anyone with bigger than a B cup and a modicum of back fat. And armpits. Ugh. Armpits are the taints of the upper body. I am more comfortable watching women breastfeed than I am accidentally gazing into an armgina.

Not for me, thanks. But there's no other option. David forbid anyone should want to cover their shoulders, flabby triceps, or unfortunate back tattoo; the only choice we have is to look like an MOB, a matador, or Princess Diana circa 1981. No es bueno para una modern bride. One has quite the varied choice in "optional modesty pieces:" 1) stiff boa constrictor-like taffeta bolero, 2) chiffon shrug (which is the same as being naked, just tinted a different color), or 3) some bedazzled arm nylons left over from the making of the Material Girl video.

As if that weren't painful enough, bridal boutiques are like a miserable mix between a used car lot and the gynecologist. In many places, one cannot browse, try on, or assess dresses without Desiree, Rose, or Bonita (No joke. Are these names for real or do they make them up like strippers do?) totally up one's ass trying to upsell some ugly dress so they can get the comish. I'm a grown woman. I can dress myself. I do it everyday. I do not want the help of a stranger. I'm sure there are chicks who would love the undivided attention whilst they stand on the dressing room pedestal in a see-through slip pulling dresses on and off and oohing and ahhing at themselves in the mirror, but I am not one of them. They only eyes I want on me, while I'm half naked in a dress that doesn't fit and is clipped to my bra, are mine, and I'm not even 100% comfortable with that. It's like getting a pap-smear of the soul without the luxury of the paper dress.