I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

Ask me today how many times I've had one and the answer is zero. Ask me next week and the answer will be one! Look out tri-state area, here I come! And I'm bringing a shit ton of luggage with me.

Estimated weight of suitcase: greater than 50 pounds (My sweetie is gonna have a stroke!)
Contents: 12 wooly socks, 11 light base layers, 10 fingered gloves, 9 pounds of toiletries, 8 shoes, 7 pairs of undies, 6 pants of denim, 5 ladies tights, 4 snuggly sweaters, 3 long sleeve shirts, 2 turtlenecks, and a present for my sweetie. Joy to the world!

Amberella Killed the Radio Star: Chapter 4

After the fourth time, this can no longer be coincidence. Once I begin to ritualistically follow a morning radio show, it vanishes, or falls apart as is the case with the most recent incident. Either I am bad mojo or the suits and mustaches at Clear Channel are fickle bastards.

First, it was Jamie, Frosty, and Frank, then it was Adam Carolla, followed by Jeff and Jer, and now the Mikey Show. Although the Mikey Show hasn't vanished into thin air without explanation as the others had, it's still a bummer.

I don't like change, I am slow to warm up to something new, and I do not have the time or motivation to download podcasts, so hopefully I'll like the new dynamic on the Sans Mikey Show. If not, I have to hunt for something new, and I'm not excited about it. Why, Clear Channel, can't you leave a good thing alone?

Christmas Train to Crazytown

We are original gingerbread wreckorators. We needed an original idea. So, we purchased a gingerbread train decorating kit instead of the ubiquitous house. I know. How can we be original making anything out of a kit? Answer: By adding these original touches.

1) We purchased a gingerbread family to go in the train (also from a box - sorry, I don’t bake). Daddy is conducting the train, and he’s lovingly tossed his special needs family into the caboose. Note mommy’s eye patch after an unfortunate accident involving her eye ball rolling under the coffee table, never to be seen again. Also, the twins are Siamese (and fraternal, one boy, one girl) connected at the hands and feet. Have you ever seen such radiant green eyes? Those didn't come in the box!

2) My sweetie’s “think outside the box” engineering brain was not satisfied with the candy selection in the box, so he busted out two additional candy canes from a cup holding pens on his desk. He placed them on the wheels on either side of the train. Chugga-chugga-choo-choo!

3) We did not follow the decorating suggestions on the front of the box exactly. We put our candies on however we saw fit. Also, my sweetie decided that icicles were necessary. Take that, professional-train-in-a-box-designers! Icicles!

4) The green blob. First, we were going to make a snowman, so we covered a gingerbread man in white royal icing. To our dismay, it wouldn’t stay upright, so we covered the snow corpse in green icing and made a grassy knoll. Yes, icicles AND a grassy knoll. I’m sure there’s still grass visible when it's cold enough for icicles, right?

Move Over, Panda...

...I have a new obsession.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Go to a Brewery

Saturday, my sweetie and I woke up early, packed up the tire chains, and headed to the snow for some tubing to celebrate his birthday. Although it was raining when we left the house, the weather report indicated that it would be snowing in the mountains.

We climbed the mountain mile after mile, and still, the rain fell. When we reached its peak, there was snow on the ground…absorbing the rain! We decided it would be far too uncomfortable to tube in the rain, so we took refuge in a local brewery.

I, of course, got the Orange Blossom Amber, because how could I not? Aside from the obvious reason that the drink sports my moniker, just that morning I had put on a knitted flowery hat and asked my sweetie if he thought it made me look like Blossom. He said yes, so I immediately changed hats. When I saw the name on the menu, I took it as a sign that the beer would be awesome, and it was.

My sweetie opted for a dopplebock and then a pilsner, the former of the pair being the tastiest. It was so tasty, in fact, we left with a growler of it, which we later enjoyed in my sweetie’s new pint glasses.

Although we didn’t get to tube, we had a wonderful day enjoying the beauty of the snow, a warm bar, and warmer company.

Nanny Nanny Nanny

Today is my grandmother's birthday. She would have been 83, but she died in 2005. I texted my sister, "Happy Birthday to Nanny" this morning. She responded by telling me that she intended to stop for lunch and order a hamburger with only ketchup and onion on it, just how Nana liked it. I laughed, because I had the exact same inclination. What do you do when you miss someone? Maybe you order a burger just the way they would have. Maybe you cry in your car on the way home. Maybe you write a blog post about them. Maybe you do all three.

To my Dearest Nana,

I miss you. Maybe you're in Heaven. Maybe you're a little boy in India. Maybe you're a new freckle on my nose. Maybe you're a firefly. Wherever you are, I wish you were here.

With love,
~a

Maybe the Secret to Success IS Being an Asshole

My reality show despair has been heightened by the Top Chef finale last night. Just as the biggest asshole on the show won Project Runway, much to my dismay, so it is for Top Chef as well. One can argue that Robin surpassed Michael Voltaggio in assholery, but I beg to differ. Sure, she was annoying, but she came from a place of love or peacefulness or some such flowery part of the soul Michael could only dream to posses. No, Robin was benign compared to the less intelligent, less attractive, more abrasive of the brothers Voltaggio, and by that I mean Michael. I won’t begin to analyze those family dynamics, except by saying that his arrogance must have derived to mask his jealousy over his older brother’s calm, pleasant demeanor and much better face. If you can’t kill them with kindness and grace, beat them into submission. Isn't that right, Mikey?

Just look at these expressions. Can you tell which one is which? Nature - 1. Nurture - 0.

Sometimes being cheap can save your life!

Thursday night, I stood in front of the diet section of Target for 10 minutes trying to decide between name brand Slim Fast and the generic Target brand. I opted for the vast savings of .70 cents per case and bought two cases of the cheap stuff.

Friday night, I was watching the news at the nail salon while "Angel" gave me a bloody pedicure (Yes, bloody! How do I find these people?). Slim Fast recalled all of their fancy beverages due to possible bacterial contamination. The bacteria apparently causes vomiting and diarrhea, which (HELLO?) causes weight loss! What's the problem?

I'm kidding! It reminds me of that alleged urban legend about crazy diet pills from back in the day that came with a tapeworm in them. I hope no one is harmed by the stuff, really.

Pros and Cons

Three great things about winter:

1) The fireplace

2) Eggnog spiked with brandy

3) Snuggling under a blankey with my sweetie

Three not-so-great things about winter:

1) Rain related traffic

2) Having to put my office light on due to the lack of sunlight from my window

3) Stepping off the curb to receive a boot full of ice cold rain water

One Person's Makeunder is Another One's Makeover

For the (most likely) purposes of not passing up an opportunity to be photographed in her bathing suit, Kim Kardashian has had a "makeunder" for Glamour magazine. This is a makeunder? OK, I don't wear make-up that often, but when I do, it pretty much looks like this (only with my face, of course): foundation, powder, blush, black eye liner on the top lashes, mascara, and lip crap (more often than not, just lip balm). Maybe two dozen times a year, I'll throw some eyeshadow into the mix, but usually not. A real makeunder for Kim would be to let her eyebrow tweezing lapse a week, cease all lip waxing entirely, not bother covering her acne or blotchy skin with anything at all (not even Clearasil), and leaving the house with nothing more on her face (that she washed with shampoo while washing her hair) than the leftover Curel lotion she had on her hands after she smeared some on her legs and elbows. Also, I'd like to see some air-dried hair and more cellulite from replacing daily workouts with actual work. That's what I'm talking about, Glamour.

Tiger Style

In response to the release of a voicemail proving once and for all that Tiger Woods is a cheating bastard (what a surprise!), he comes off with this ridiculousness:

"[Bullshit]...But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family...[more bullshit]."

Really, Tiger's Wood? There's nothing more private than your penis, but you seem to have no problem sharing that outside of your family. This week, the Jon Gosselin Award goes to you. David Letterman can hand down the torch now.

New Victoria's Secret Model Gets Her Collar...Oops...I Mean Wings

Apparently, the newest "angel" was chosen via an internet vote. She has the face of a French Bulldog (except the dog is cute) and a body identical to that of every other model. What exactly were they voting on? In any case, congratulations, Droopy.

Gummy Rhymes With Yummy

What's adorable and delicious and smaller than a Post-it?
These tiny yummy bears from Haribo. If there's anything I love more than gummies, it's mini gummies. These make sitting at a computer for 8 hours a day bearable. Get it? Bear...ab...OK, I'll stop.

The other gummy confection giving me much joy lately are these cute little heart shaped Kasugai's Melon Gummies. "Kasugai's Melon Gummy is a very juicy candy made with musk melon juice. Enjoy it's exquisite melon taste." First, I think musk melon is Honeydew. That's the picture on the package anyway. Secondly, it's not juicy, but it does taste like a melon punched you in the face whilst using two other melons for boxing gloves. Delish!